Lights, Like Years

Strands of lights are like years, that come and go, as they flood in and fade out. Time is the force that binds them together, with order and grace. Courage is the power that displays them when willing to look backward and forward with intent.

This Holiday Season, I choose courage.

Now, pondering the makings of family, of before and beyond. The development of beauty, of Love and of light within my heart. I gaze at the makings, I wear on my sleeve, as I tenaciously walk this journey I'm on.

I didn't always find brightness. I have not often felt true belonging. BUT tonight I find so much more than these great gifts.

There is kindness and joy. Wisdom and calm. Warm snuggles with seasonal Christmas songs.
There are feelings of hope, of wonder, and rightness. The sense that these moments are what matter most. Presently, all swirling and filling and drawing me toward openhearted acceptance that I am enough. My past was enough. That I am okay and I will be more than alright.

We all face struggles, we all have things we think are broken inside of us. No one is immune to having to work hard. To make a huge effort to become more than we presently are as human beings. We need not think we are the only ones with a fight to remember kindness before pain. Love before hate.

So tonight I want to acknowledge the steps on this life map I have made. The beautiful strand of lights I possess in all I have been and in all I am becoming. No more and no less. I am not perfect. The point is though that I am willing to learn how to be organic and malleable inspite of my story. How to grow and stretch beyond who I think I can be. Letting go of the thorns that have wounded. Picking up my shattered bulbs and filling them with newness and of grace.

I let my lights, my experiences shine. Unique. Loved, Wise, Gracious, and kind. I am enough.
Thank you World, thank you past, thank you friends, thank you family... Those who help and those who heal me. May we grow bright together and increase in beauty, and display our courage every chance we get.

Let us live life, like we are lights. Intentionally placed. Purposefully connected. Bound by time, and bright with love. Unafraid of he burdens life naturally blesses us with, so that, we are strong.

Acknowledging Lies. Now What? Accepting Self.

Today, I am working on accepting myself. Opening my heart to myself where it has been seemingly impossible to look, with love on my mind. To dare look within with Love as the balance for my ego.
I realize my ego has been telling me many things that seem true but are actually partial truths. Even complete lies. My brain can imagine the most dramatic rules I should follow... and can even convince me to believe them. At least- when they apply to me. I am my worst critic.

A lesson I learned today, for example, is that there is no feeling or self label that hasn't been felt by someone else out there in the scope of humanity. I am not the exception.

What does that mean for me?? Well it means the lie that I should feel more shame than others or that I am not worthy of kindness inspite of my short comings, can take a hike. I carry so many weights of self judgement that somehow I begin to think I am an exception to the power of grace, love, or forgiveness. Simply put, I measure myself harder than anyone else I know. This is completely exhausting.

Now what?

I begin to look beyond the fears and under the traumas that have somehow given me the ego-license to write my own rule book. I have been abandoned. I have walked away from friends. I have seen death and have felt the fear of someone trying to kill me. I know rejection on a crazy scale, before I was even born my mom induced labor in hopes to terminate me- 3 months before I was due. I have heard many projections of pain directed to my core by others in pain. I even began to think death could be the best answer to my problems. I have been frozen in time not sure what to do next.

On the flip side, I know that people will come and go, and I too will come and go in peoples lives. Its normal. I am glad I don't have to do life with the same people for its entirety. I grow and evolve, others do to.
Death is only scary when you wrestle with it. If I'm using so much energy trying to fight it, it isn't my time. Others who try to end my life are scared and it is never to late to embrace courage to reach those people. I don't have to live in fear of when I may die. The world isn't all bad and the good within it deserves believing in. Further, I begin to forgive the attacks on my life, and begin again, every time I forget.
As for my mom, she acted with what she knew to be true for her in her times of choices. I didn't do anything to deserve what she chose to do. I am not an orphan, even though I need to remind my inner child of this on a regular basis. I have the right to live fully, inspite of my beginning.
The jabs of pain people spout out when cornered or when resisting their own truth is very hurtful and disarming. I am learning to process the arrows that have hit my core, as they surface. Sometimes it is simple to face them and easy to stop the lie that I begin to believe about myself because of them. Other core wounds take much more tenacity and commitment to look at, and keep looking at, over and over again until I believe the truth and can shut the lie down. Its an art in self love I am willing to master.
As for the past idea that death could be the answer, that was then, now I have more skills and more tools to work with and I am gaining more and more excitement to do life better than I have before.

Living is the biggest reward I have. It is the biggest gift I have ever been given.

Things I am working on to live at my best in each today are:
Daring to imagine- there are so many things I desire to accomplish and I am learning courage to take steps to fulfill those desires. I want to make a line of art cards toward a specific audience. I also have a dream for a place I call Papas House.
Trusting vulnerability- learning to let transparent emotions come up while doing life with others. Hiding less and stepping out more. Learning that I'm no worse or any better than each person or cultural group in humanity. We are all welcome and all belong here. It is a daily lesson. Learning to adjust myself toward love before anything else. Learning that opinions are not the code for my life. I know me best.
I have the ability to believe I am loved and lovable, no matter my past experience. I can not color other people in a negative light just because I am still learning what acceptance really is.
I am willing and open to learn. Examining myself in a raw way so that growth can blossom and I can expand my experience. I am strong enough to admit when I am wrong. It might take time, but I know what to do when I make a mistake. I cant fear trying to be brave... mistakes are part of the human life. Lets learn how to overcome them.

I wish all these acts of courage upon each one of you who wrestles with identity or the ego of self. Guess what, that is every single one of us! May we acknowledge our past and our present with the wisdom of Love as our guide. Trusting that today and tomorrow we are enough in each now, so that we have courage to dream and imagine the "more" we are capable of, minus the voice that we "can't".

Ego, it is time to take a Love walk, want to come?

Lets DO This!

I find myself at another opportunity for change. I sit here asking myself if I have the guts.
The answer is that I don't know, unless I begin with a few baby steps toward the bigger picture.
Sure I can cut myself out of the race or cut my character down. That helps nobody. I can also think so hard about it and yet DO nothing. Somehow I know myself better than that. I'm going to take the risk.
No matter how slow or how tricky it is for me to advance in life, Today, I'm willing to step out of my comfort zone.

The winning question is, who is with me!? Now I can wait and find out or just take the plunge... and discover my friends and supporters as I go. Now that is bravery. Lets do this!
See you on the journey friends. Lets help each other GROW.
                        

While in the Thorns

It's in the falling down, one sees the value of being picked up. In that instant, where fear is loudest, the slow-motion-tumble begins. The heart and mind join in a plea for rescue. A razor-focus vision to be free from the fall.

The blackberry thorns cut into his toddler flesh, tiny soft hands are ripped. Tears rush out from behind the walls of his pride and make themselves abundantly seen. In that frozen moment, pain speaks loudest, he is needy for my help.

I survey his tiny form pinned within the thorns. Tossed off bike, in hasty disarray, form splayed in helpless shock. He looks up at me stricken, with eyes wide, laying motionless in the twisted bramble. My arms instinctively open wide as I seek the best place to take hold of his helpless body pierced and pressed deep in the sharp unforgiving mass. Fast and sure I scoop him in my arms and cup my hands gently around him. That close safe hold that dispels fear, shouts out over the pain. 

I hear his stunted breath scream in my ear and feel his heart pound. I deliberately breathe slow and soft and remind him “I’ve got you now, it's okay". Time stops for us as we wait for pain to pass. I need to remind myself pain indeed shall pass, as his heart breaks all over my cheek. Fat fast tears make there way down. I will my courage into him.

It's time to take a deeper look at the damage as I release my grip. I Inspect each tiny finger for thorns where hands mashed in tightly and knees hit earth. I open his fists and find the source of his pain buried deep. His mind will-wishing the thorns to disappear yet his fists holds onto them with blind determination.

I'm reminded how I hold my pain and shield it from sight. I have a revelation.

This deep seeded death grip I employ only buries my thoughts, like thorns, inward. Cutting soft skin, shredding my courage.

I whisper soft in this tiny boy’s ear and say “let me help, I can pull all the pain out”. We watch together as the thorns are one by one tossed on the ground. The process hurts more, just for a second, then there is the relief. A release of tension aimed to shield, yet falling short to heal the wounds. 

Only the ridding of the source of our pain brings the healing balm we desperately hope for. For that we need to trust a helper. To trust The Helper. To trust that Love, is enough.

As we wash the blood away the tears retreat. We rest in the knowing that we made it out of the thorny pit and it wasn't too terribly bad. The focused togetherness lessened the hurt. Our bond is closer because of this moment shared.

We celebrate his ability to stay still and not resist the wicked bramble. Fighting pain only makes it worse. My resolved guidance for him to "Be still! I'm coming for you. Hold on”. As my feet took me faster toward his crumbled body, all the times I have hastily told him to “wait” for me today fall flat.

Stay still and calm in your struggle friend, the body's struggle isn't too big for the mind or heart to handle. Did I just say that? The physical warring in this life is not too much for our spirit of courage to face.

I Pause. I thank this tiny brave boy for believing in me in the peek of his fear. In this thankfulness I begin to believe in myself a tiny bit more. In the people I have invited in on my journey. In the One whom loves me most.

From childhood, to woman, to wise; I open my fists, and let the pains of this life go one by one. Love fills me as I love. Love cups my fears and stills them. I let God pull the pain out, as I am brave to trust.

BALANCE

Navigating life; relationships and experiences come with a little helper named balance.

 Currently, I am discovering yet another layer of this multifaceted friend. As I step out of my shell and invite others in it can be like walking on a balance beam. brave at first. The farther one traverses out and beyond, the starting point, steps can get shaky as they seek solid foundation. My feet are my friends, even when they lead me into shaky new territory. I need to trust them, my instincts, and quest for a poised nature in where I choose to walk. In how I do life.

The part that gets hard is when my heart and feet conflict in their desires to find a safe and solid destination. Right now my heart says run but my feet say stay, I stick the course. Even now, as I pause and adjust my character, I grow in tact and stature. Seeking stability, seeking love.

May I keep being brave to live his life, even as I slip and seek that which is best. I love you tiny toes, steady legs, and graceful hands. Lets come across this shaky matter of the heart, with solid grace to stand.