Today, I am working on accepting myself. Opening my heart to myself where it has been seemingly impossible to look, with love on my mind. To dare look within with Love as the balance for my ego.
I realize my ego has been telling me many things that seem true but are actually partial truths. Even complete lies. My brain can imagine the most dramatic rules I should follow... and can even convince me to believe them. At least- when they apply to me. I am my worst critic.
A lesson I learned today, for example, is that there is no feeling or self label that hasn't been felt by someone else out there in the scope of humanity. I am not the exception.
What does that mean for me?? Well it means the lie that I should feel more shame than others or that I am not worthy of kindness inspite of my short comings, can take a hike. I carry so many weights of self judgement that somehow I begin to think I am an exception to the power of grace, love, or forgiveness. Simply put, I measure myself harder than anyone else I know. This is completely exhausting.
Now what?
I begin to look beyond the fears and under the traumas that have somehow given me the ego-license to write my own rule book. I have been abandoned. I have walked away from friends. I have seen death and have felt the fear of someone trying to kill me. I know rejection on a crazy scale, before I was even born my mom induced labor in hopes to terminate me- 3 months before I was due. I have heard many projections of pain directed to my core by others in pain. I even began to think death could be the best answer to my problems. I have been frozen in time not sure what to do next.
On the flip side, I know that people will come and go, and I too will come and go in peoples lives. Its normal. I am glad I don't have to do life with the same people for its entirety. I grow and evolve, others do to.
Death is only scary when you wrestle with it. If I'm using so much energy trying to fight it, it isn't my time. Others who try to end my life are scared and it is never to late to embrace courage to reach those people. I don't have to live in fear of when I may die. The world isn't all bad and the good within it deserves believing in. Further, I begin to forgive the attacks on my life, and begin again, every time I forget.
As for my mom, she acted with what she knew to be true for her in her times of choices. I didn't do anything to deserve what she chose to do. I am not an orphan, even though I need to remind my inner child of this on a regular basis. I have the right to live fully, inspite of my beginning.
The jabs of pain people spout out when cornered or when resisting their own truth is very hurtful and disarming. I am learning to process the arrows that have hit my core, as they surface. Sometimes it is simple to face them and easy to stop the lie that I begin to believe about myself because of them. Other core wounds take much more tenacity and commitment to look at, and keep looking at, over and over again until I believe the truth and can shut the lie down. Its an art in self love I am willing to master.
As for the past idea that death could be the answer, that was then, now I have more skills and more tools to work with and I am gaining more and more excitement to do life better than I have before.
Living is the biggest reward I have. It is the biggest gift I have ever been given.
Things I am working on to live at my best in each today are:
Daring to imagine- there are so many things I desire to accomplish and I am learning courage to take steps to fulfill those desires. I want to make a line of art cards toward a specific audience. I also have a dream for a place I call Papas House.
Trusting vulnerability- learning to let transparent emotions come up while doing life with others. Hiding less and stepping out more. Learning that I'm no worse or any better than each person or cultural group in humanity. We are all welcome and all belong here. It is a daily lesson. Learning to adjust myself toward love before anything else. Learning that opinions are not the code for my life. I know me best.
I have the ability to believe I am loved and lovable, no matter my past experience. I can not color other people in a negative light just because I am still learning what acceptance really is.
I am willing and open to learn. Examining myself in a raw way so that growth can blossom and I can expand my experience. I am strong enough to admit when I am wrong. It might take time, but I know what to do when I make a mistake. I cant fear trying to be brave... mistakes are part of the human life. Lets learn how to overcome them.
I wish all these acts of courage upon each one of you who wrestles with identity or the ego of self. Guess what, that is every single one of us! May we acknowledge our past and our present with the wisdom of Love as our guide. Trusting that today and tomorrow we are enough in each now, so that we have courage to dream and imagine the "more" we are capable of, minus the voice that we "can't".
Ego, it is time to take a Love walk, want to come?
I realize my ego has been telling me many things that seem true but are actually partial truths. Even complete lies. My brain can imagine the most dramatic rules I should follow... and can even convince me to believe them. At least- when they apply to me. I am my worst critic.
A lesson I learned today, for example, is that there is no feeling or self label that hasn't been felt by someone else out there in the scope of humanity. I am not the exception.
What does that mean for me?? Well it means the lie that I should feel more shame than others or that I am not worthy of kindness inspite of my short comings, can take a hike. I carry so many weights of self judgement that somehow I begin to think I am an exception to the power of grace, love, or forgiveness. Simply put, I measure myself harder than anyone else I know. This is completely exhausting.
Now what?
I begin to look beyond the fears and under the traumas that have somehow given me the ego-license to write my own rule book. I have been abandoned. I have walked away from friends. I have seen death and have felt the fear of someone trying to kill me. I know rejection on a crazy scale, before I was even born my mom induced labor in hopes to terminate me- 3 months before I was due. I have heard many projections of pain directed to my core by others in pain. I even began to think death could be the best answer to my problems. I have been frozen in time not sure what to do next.
On the flip side, I know that people will come and go, and I too will come and go in peoples lives. Its normal. I am glad I don't have to do life with the same people for its entirety. I grow and evolve, others do to.
Death is only scary when you wrestle with it. If I'm using so much energy trying to fight it, it isn't my time. Others who try to end my life are scared and it is never to late to embrace courage to reach those people. I don't have to live in fear of when I may die. The world isn't all bad and the good within it deserves believing in. Further, I begin to forgive the attacks on my life, and begin again, every time I forget.
As for my mom, she acted with what she knew to be true for her in her times of choices. I didn't do anything to deserve what she chose to do. I am not an orphan, even though I need to remind my inner child of this on a regular basis. I have the right to live fully, inspite of my beginning.
The jabs of pain people spout out when cornered or when resisting their own truth is very hurtful and disarming. I am learning to process the arrows that have hit my core, as they surface. Sometimes it is simple to face them and easy to stop the lie that I begin to believe about myself because of them. Other core wounds take much more tenacity and commitment to look at, and keep looking at, over and over again until I believe the truth and can shut the lie down. Its an art in self love I am willing to master.
As for the past idea that death could be the answer, that was then, now I have more skills and more tools to work with and I am gaining more and more excitement to do life better than I have before.
Living is the biggest reward I have. It is the biggest gift I have ever been given.
Things I am working on to live at my best in each today are:
Daring to imagine- there are so many things I desire to accomplish and I am learning courage to take steps to fulfill those desires. I want to make a line of art cards toward a specific audience. I also have a dream for a place I call Papas House.
Trusting vulnerability- learning to let transparent emotions come up while doing life with others. Hiding less and stepping out more. Learning that I'm no worse or any better than each person or cultural group in humanity. We are all welcome and all belong here. It is a daily lesson. Learning to adjust myself toward love before anything else. Learning that opinions are not the code for my life. I know me best.
I have the ability to believe I am loved and lovable, no matter my past experience. I can not color other people in a negative light just because I am still learning what acceptance really is.
I am willing and open to learn. Examining myself in a raw way so that growth can blossom and I can expand my experience. I am strong enough to admit when I am wrong. It might take time, but I know what to do when I make a mistake. I cant fear trying to be brave... mistakes are part of the human life. Lets learn how to overcome them.
I wish all these acts of courage upon each one of you who wrestles with identity or the ego of self. Guess what, that is every single one of us! May we acknowledge our past and our present with the wisdom of Love as our guide. Trusting that today and tomorrow we are enough in each now, so that we have courage to dream and imagine the "more" we are capable of, minus the voice that we "can't".
Ego, it is time to take a Love walk, want to come?
