A little childhood history for the purpose of understanding how precious the last days with my mom truly were- there is no judgment here- Simply expanding the understanding of our family dynamics.
I lived with mom until I was 13yrs old. There was so much of my childhood filled with upheaval and abusive trauma. We moved over 30 times up until I was 13yrs old in various cities and provinces in western Canada. Mom had many men in her life through those years including two marriages. My sister and I never met our birth fathers. Each of us had separate dads even. To this day I do not even know my dads name.
Steve was the first marriage when I was around the age of 5yrs old- He committed suicide in the tiny window he was in our lives. At approximately age 8 mom married again. I arrived home one day from school to a stranger sitting beside my mom on the living room couch- mom said "meet your new father". Talk about shock and confusion. He turned very abusive to the point we were running for our lives. He found us and first broke into our home to try and stab us in our sleep but miraculously we were not home that night. Then we moved again and thought we were safe. He found us again and set our trailer on fire while were asleep inside. we barely made it out with nothing but the clothes on our backs. We were put in a women's shelter and went through a court process to become safe again.
Through the years mom was very scattered and it was hard to rely on her or to live with security that we would be okay. At times we did not have enough food, mom would hit us and yell something fierce, always so many arguments, there was alcoholism in the home and so much smoking, mom was in and out of the psych ward through the years and at times had overdosed where I had to help her and call the ambulance while she was hallucinating- my sister and I were farmed out to strangers homes during these episodes of hospital stays... I had so much stress that at the age of 10-13yrs old I suffered from seizures which were determined to be labeled 'Stress Induced Epilepsy'. It was in my teens that mom mentioned she has bipolar and split personality disorder. I do not know if this was an official diagnosis but it sure helped me explain all the trauma and scattered decisions through the years.
At the age of 13yrs old my mom packed up in the middle of the night and left me alone. My sister had run away by then and was placed in foster care. Mom left me a note to community services for me to call for help getting into the system. This was my biggest wound in my life- being abandoned. Right to the end mom denied this was true and she always stated that I ran away.
I was placed into foster care and then later after winning the right to a closed adoption- I was adopted at the age of 18yrs old by the same family that first took me in. As soon as I was placed in care my seizures stopped! Mom was not in my life much at this time. This is when the walls were put up so that she could not just pop back into my life without permission or warning.
Fast forward to August 2019
Its been ten days since I heard you (mom) were terminally ill with colon and liver cancer -after nearly a decade without contact. What a whirlwind this weekend has been. I want to share my story leading up to and after your death with MAiD (Medical Assistance in Dying).
Tuesday Aug 6th-
The call came in from Aunty expressing your intent to proceed with MAiD on Aug 10th due to your terminal illness and unbearable pain. I asked Aunty for your email to contact you as I felt I should at least reach out in case you needed to say something after such a long silence these past years. It was an instinct to open the door after I had shut it for so long. In the past it was necessary to create space and protect myself after all the trauma and hurt we have shared. You were quite prickly- to say the least- at times to cope with. Even so I never stopped desiring for you to be a healthy supportive mom.
I emailed you and asked permission for us to connect in email if you wished to talk. Your reply was instant within minutes asking me to do one better and to call you. I had so much anxiety even just reading your phone number- my whole body shook from head to toe for several minutes just thinking about it. I knew I just was not ready to talk and hear your voice. What if we just shared more hurt or judgment? What if your voice brought back negative memories that I had worked so hard to press down and move on from?
I decided to create a boundary and stick to email. My first real words to you were with the intent to describe myself in such a way as to help you see how proud you could be of me as a young woman today. I sent you information about all the things that bring me joy in life and stuck to light topics so that we could create room to have a positive conversation. I even sent you a separate email full of photos- that was huge for me as I had not sent you photos or had seen you for close to a decade!
I was childlike awaiting your reply- thinking that I would have some loving feedback from you.
Wed Aug 7th-
I had my first nightmare- I have a history of night terrors due to PTSD. In my dream I was wandering in the dessert wasteland. My hands and feet cut open by someone with a knife before leaving me to walk lost and alone... When I woke up I thought it through and realized this dream was a representation of how wide open and vulnerable I was during this time. I acknowledged this feeling within myself and reminded myself I can not gain unless I try. I have nothing to lose here. After losing my best friend last summer to a tragic car accident- I knew that being able to say goodbye is priceless. Aug 10th, 2018 was the last day I saw her alive- At first I was angry you chose that day to die! I knew you did not know my story but still I was a bit mad that this saying goodbye with MAiD would be on the 1 year anniversary of seeing her alive last. I had planned to celebrate instead of cry.
Afternoon came and I still was excitedly waiting for your reply- and then it came in all types of anger and unexplained guilt trips... My first thought was 'what!? Did you not read my email?' I was crushed and in a way kind of thinking 'I guess she is the same and not ready for contact'. I was hesitant to give up though so I promptly texted Aunty to reflect with her my experience and she was also shocked and confused as she thought my email was 'beautifully written'. At that moment she wrote that she was about to have a scheduled phone call with you so I decided to ask her to read you something so that you could hear it in spoken word- with kind emotions attached. Within 20 min I received an email from you with all the motherly kindness and affirmations I had been eagerly waiting for that day!! I was happy you could step past your assumption of me and could encourage and praise me for reaching out to you. The extremes of emotions were so complex for me during this time it felt like I was on a roller coaster.
We wrote a few more times before you went to bed. It was kind and full of thankfulness. You expressed that you would be putting my photo on your desktop so you could gaze at me while you passed away... That moved me in a deep place and I shared it with Aunty. Then just before midnight Aunty asked if either me or my sister wanted to fly out to see you. I stayed up most the night pondering my decision. I also reached out to people to see if I could reschedule work and find care for my dog before morning. I resolved that if by the early AM I could have all factors solved for me to leave town then I would go! I thought I would be stupid to turn down this chance to reconcile our differences before you passed. I knew that I would carry more weight than I could hold if I just self protected and stayed home.
“My precious baby girl. All grown up. Independent and strong, loving and gentle, look at the amazing woman you've become. Take the hard lessons in life and learn from them how to be an even better person”
Love mom
Thursday Aug 8th-
I woke up early to see if all my responsibilities were taken care of before I answered Aunty if I would take up her offer of an all expenses paid trip to Sudbury. Everything was solved before I woke up! All work items could be rescheduled and my dog had three options to be taken care of. I promptly accepted Aunty's offer before you even knew it was a possibility. Next Aunty wanted to make sure that you would actually want me to be there. Your shock and warm acceptance of this opportunity was very touching to me. Jenn (My sister) had declined this opportunity. I was secretly glad as she and I have no contact and it would just be too much to face all at once.
It was only at this time I figured well I should at least be able to talk to you now on the phone!! I laugh now at the way this all played out. Tickets were bought and we still had yet to even speak in real time. We finally spoke and it was then we learned you never did get that long email I sent about my life- its why you were so quick to judge and fling frustration- you thought I still had walls up and that I was still angry with you. Talking directly with you set me at ease and I knew that we would be just fine when I arrived in person. WOW what a major overhaul of my heart within such a short time!!
Time to get ready to fly!!! You kept reminding me to trust everything was going to be okay and you were seeming so at peace leading up to my arrival. You told me God would not let us down now after being so close to making this all possible! My jaw dropped open in shock as you have never been so quick to mention to trust God.
Friday Aug 9th-
The entire 3 plane-all night trip- I was nothing but excited to actually see you- after so many years I could sense that all we had room for right now was love and reconciliation. It was this inner instinct I just knew. You kept saying you "have nothing but love for me, nothing but love".
This entire time I was able to read your facebook posts and see how genuinely excited and proud you were of me!! It silenced ALL tiny slivers of doubt. Seriously such a miracle considering were we have been in the past. I also saw just how may friends you had... that was a testament to how loving you have become- it challenged me to open up and trust you were open in mind and heart for our reunion.
11AM arrival!!!
I opened the door to your home and you just hugged me!!! Several minutes of solid hugs- I could feel your body rest into mine and hang on as if you thought this was not real. Your first words were "God you are beautiful!!". I knew again, that this time was sacred and meant for nothing but love.
I had to choose to override my initial instinct to be disgusted at her living conditions. Years of cigarette smoke as well as unmentionable filth that shocked me in both its obvious visual cues that mom had given up living and in its multiple layers that as I looked was truly sad to take in all at once. Putting that aside in a final act of love we dove into making the best of our final hours.
We talked for hours. Getting to know each other again- you looked happy, you looked vastly different to me than I remember, and you looked proud that I could suspend my fears and come to visit you. There was not hardness or anger or confusion on your face, your eyes were clear and I was touched at the softness I discovered there. I did not see pain on your face at this time- simply awe and love and compassion, and a sense of childlike curiosity.
I discovered you were too a painter like me, we have common favorite things, we were both strong enough to suspend our past to simply be present in today. You gifted me your paintbrushes! What a fabulous honor for me to be able to paint with the tools you dearly held in your hands- in the same way you dearly held me in your arms now.
You asked me if I had anything I needed closure on or clarification of. In a second I knew the one thing I had to talk about. My memories of abandonment at the age of 13. Once I began to frame my experience- with tact and simple desire to express- you did at first begin to talk over me and said "I know where this is going..." and you began to defend saying we had different memories. I simply took the courage to say "mom I do not need you to own my experience or even defend yourself... I just need you to hear my truth and be present with me while I express it". I shared and you listened and then the breakthrough I have needed half my life happened. Raw and vulnerable in my mom's safe soft arms- we found release and healing on both sides of our wounds.
I recall melting into her arms for the first time without mental walls up or ridged posture- I was safe to snuggle in- to truly receive your hug!!! Oh the freedom as you said "just let it go honey" over and over again. Mom said she was so sorry for the way my experience wounded me! Oh the release and the joy that flooded in. It was then we took a selfie and I could see how my face physically was glowing!! Like a mask had been shed and I could be happy even though we were facing death together.
It was time to check into my Hotel and let mom and I rest before her last meal with me and her support team.
Dinner Time:
We ordered your choice of food and we again shared shock seeing we had even more in common- we both love seafood! Your support worker was present and we enjoyed sharing memories with her and yes we were laughing and delighting in seeing how each of us cared for you through various years. Never once did I feel I needed to ask you why you were choosing to die the next day. I just knew you were doing what you needed to do and I simply did my best to focus on our time left and to love you the best I could.
Time to say goodnight
You asked me if I could come an hour before others came so that we could have more time together. You said you could never have enough time with me! I was happy to say goodnight knowing we would have special time the next day before the support team and Doctor arrived in your home.
I discovered this message from you to me on my facebook page.
Next came the painting of Birch Bay to send mom off to our favorite place and to offer her peace. I added essential oils to the paint so it smelled like "sun kissed" beauty.
I had been traveling for so many hours and then up all day that after this I fell asleep for about 10 hours before I had to wake up and call you to ensure you were awake before popping by. I had such a peaceful needed sleep that I had no nightmares. It was another confirmation to me that I was strong enough to be near you when you breathed your last. You had requested that I hold you while you pass. I knew that it would be my honor and I did not hesitate to accept this last request.
Saturday Aug 10th-
8:30AM- called to make sure you were awake and able to dress before I showed up at 9AM
Your voice was very riddled with pain. You seemed very uncomfortable in your tone. Our call was very short so we could get ready. I had to ask myself what I should wear for this experience... I decided to dress for the beach as that is our favorite place in the universe.
9AM- I opened the door to your room and found you looking very distressed. You explained you had nightmares and were in huge amounts of pain. I asked about medication or ways to cope with that and you said you had taken all that you could at that time for any type of relief. I commented on how we chose to wear the same color of shirt and learned that she too was dressing to go to the beach! It was a joyful affirmation I chose the right thing to wear. I offered you a sip of my coffee as I know how much you love coffee... you could not even drink it without it spilling as you could not sit up due to the pain in your body.
You showed me your tummy and explained the swelling and areas in which your body was full of cancer. You explained "the pain was like having someone hold a cheese greater and going back and forth all the time on your insides".... Seeing you like that was like night and day from the day before. This was your true daily experience. It all became clear beyond doubt that this was right for you. You held all your pain at bay for me so we could connect the day before. I do not think I will ever fully know the extent of that gift.
I decided to ask you if I could play you a song as I could see you still could not move yet. I picked "You Get My Love" by Pink. It could tell you all my feelings in all of this experience. In short, no matter my mistakes or our history "You Get My Love"... no matter what! It was at this time that I could sense you relax a little with the comfort of my assurance that I was there only to support you. There was no room for faith based agenda- even though through all of this experience I saw little miracles and hints of confirmation.
I then asked you to pick a song. You picked "You Raise Me Up" by Celtic Women. I found it on my phone and we began to sing along together as I stroked your cheek and tucked your hair behind your ear... imparting nothing but love and hoping that I could ease your pain in a tiny way before the care team arrived. This was my second most powerful moment with you since I arrived. You asked me to hop up on the bed as you don't bite- a little humor sneaking out. I snuggled in even though at first all I saw was the filthy sheets that looked like they had not been cleaned in a year. I had to choose to offer you dignity not judgment. I hopped up and imparted all the strength and love I could think of!! You told me then "I do not think I could have followed through with this without your strength today". That was powerful. It was something sacred between us.
10AM- Your first support worker showed up. We had to aid you to your living room chair as you could barely walk. I was scared you were going to fall. We got a pot of coffee going for you while we waited for the others to arrive. You shared with me a poem you wrote- even through your pain you wanted to ensure I knew you were at peace and ready. We spoke about lighting candles for you and decided on 5- my favorite number meaning Grace. You had some last things to organize regarding your personal affects and you ensured each of us knew what you needed from us. You asked to be on speaker with Aunty while the procedure took place. You posted on Facebook to your friends. You made sure we had access to your files and ability to log into your computer once you passed.
I shared with you how proud I was of your decision and I kissed you while you received that affirmation.
Aprox 11:15AM-The Doctor Arrived
From here we were focused on setting up the room to be the most comfortable for everyone. The doctor needed access to your arm and I needed room to sit beside you on your chair. Once everyone was ready the Doctor asked you if you knew what was about to happen. In your words you described the steps- there was to be a relaxant, a lethal dose of medication, and then you would stop breathing and your heart would stop. Your voice was matter of fact and had zero hesitation.
The doctor then began setting up- it was hard to access a vein and we knew this could be an issue based on history of veins being hard to access. Each attempt the doctor used a tiny needle to numb you first. You did not feel the first pricks and were even shocked you had no sensation of pain. The Doctor had to switch arms and in that time you saw all the syringes of medications the Doctor had prepared- you said "God it looks like when a murderer is put to death" you were thinking of death row- it was dark humor we all seemed to laugh at as I said "but mom you are not a murderer" and we continued to get her set up. Sometime during this set up the church bells next door began to ring! I told you that it was Grandma sending you love from Heaven.
Once the IV port was in place you and the Doctor spoke and you learned that once the medication is started you would not be able to speak anymore. I was told it would be like you are in a deep coma. You nodded and we snuggled into our hug. The meds were started. I held you and presented you with your painting I made the night before. I spoke to Aunty here and there to let her know what was going on next. At one point I was crying more and the Doctor asked if I was okay. I nodded. You stopped breathing before the last medications were administered- the Doctor explained she had to give them all as it was protocol. I kept talking to you and wishing you comfort. The Doctor then took your vitals and we announced your passing at 12:25PM. It took only about 10-15min or so once the meds were started. You did not speak. You just relaxed into my chest and laid your head on my heart.
I told Aunty it was finished and we hung up the phone. I had a few moments with you.
Next the Docotor had to call the coroner and state reason of death. She filled out a death certificate and I was informed that I would get a call from the coroner. I was asked if there was anything that I noticed that could have been done better or if anything stood out to me in the experience. All this was to first ensure mom did not need an autopsy and also to account if she appeared to suffer at all during the process. I asked the Doctor if she could remove the IV port from your arm before she left so your body would not be cremated with it. She did so with tact and grace and tucked your arm back around your farewell painting of Birch Bay.
After this, I began to collect the special items that I was given to take home with me. I made one last post on your facebook feed to bring closure to those who were thinking of you during this time. You had asked friends to light your way with candles... so many people wrote you and I as this was all taking place. I was so surrounded in love and light that it was almost impossible to be sad. I just kept thinking that you are finally at peace. Your care worker said this was the first time she saw you truly relaxed in the last year she had been visiting you. It was another layer of affirmation that this was your best decision in your cancerous painful journey. She said you lost weight faster than anyone she had ever met- you lost half your body weight in 6 months. It shocked me as I did not know this piece of your journey.
I kept sneaking peeks at your body. Your skin kept changing. It was hard not to be curious and to learn what happens in those moments afterwards.
I went to my hotel before your body was collected. I did not want to see you in a body bag,
After everything I did have a chance for a few tears at how I had just met you and then had to wish you off to a greater place. I had a shower and decided to go for a walk to find something in town as a gift from you that I could wear as I heal. I found a skirt and a shirt which really spoke to me. The shirt had all these chains on it and even heart details, it reminded me of all the love and the ability to shed the chains of trauma that I held around my biggest wounds. The skirt was a reminder of the ocean.
I flew home the next day and it was a very thoughtful trip home. Only once did I shed tears as the plane crested above the clouds and I thought of how close and yet so far away you felt to me.
Sunday midnight I arrived home.
I have since connected with my Aunty and we shared our feelings and emotions around things. I also went to Birch Bay on Tuesday- my self care after the weekend events.
Nothing but Love Mom- Nothing but Love!
Almost a week later and I am processing requests from reporters and groups that are curious about the MAiD process. This is why I wanted to account my experience in such detail. I hope my story can encourage and inform others. Go in Peace.
Sincerely,
Carly
If you wish to support me in sending mom off well- here is a link to donate
Http://gf.me/u/urj372
