Have you ever just needed to go until you just cant move anymore? Something drives you, from your very core just to keep going. Beyond your limits, past the physical pain and into a place deep withing your heart. Where your ghosts have real breath and you can remember them in full clarity. Reliving the likeness in such a perfect replica, when you just cant keep the pain from resurfacing.
Its like that for me sometimes. When I catch a deep, really deep, tug to truly connect with my feelings. The ones I mostly try to hide behind a barricade of stone. At times though, when really moved, I come back to a place where I actually let my self feel. The walls come down, and my ghosts are in real time, in high volume without filter.
Then the tears finally come.
In those moments, I fight to let the pain escape, to not stifle it or snuff it out prematurely. To breathe it out, as my breath makes a cry and my eyes only see the memories. Its like a dormant volcano needing to vent. It prevents an emotional explosion which is non recoverable. Trust me I've seen the aftermath of holding it in too long. The release heals me, in those tiny seconds of willed intensity.
I just had one of those releases.
Tapped in until I had to tap out as it got too much for me to handle all at once. Its weird though as I wish, in the aftermath seconds, that I could push replay and let more pain go. Like a speed-course to recovery. But I can't. I have to will myself to be patient for the next open heart experience to present itself. To wait for the cracks to open up and show themselves, wild and raw.
I have many fissures, cavernous voids even. Gaps of emotion, where I simply just cant connect until the specific instigator unlocks them like a key. Then, I feel so much all at once, it takes ages to recuperate my 'healthy demeanor'. The one I wear in public. At times I wish this venting, healing process would just be finished so I could keep my emotional composure.
Its OK. This life of PTSD is hard. At least I recognise the way I release pain, even if in rare micro minutes. I'm thankful the pain still has a way out other than in self destructive mannerisms.
Let me take a second, Dear Heart to address you, my faithful friend. I invite you to let the gut wrenching pit of pain out- in however it comes out best. You are my strength and my ally. I need you, to more than cope in this life. So when those fissures gape wide and tears flood wild, know it's OK. I welcome the unique way you both guide and protect me in the labyrinth of my memories. Let's do damage control together. Let's keep moving forward.
Life isn't done with us yet.
Its like that for me sometimes. When I catch a deep, really deep, tug to truly connect with my feelings. The ones I mostly try to hide behind a barricade of stone. At times though, when really moved, I come back to a place where I actually let my self feel. The walls come down, and my ghosts are in real time, in high volume without filter.
Then the tears finally come.
In those moments, I fight to let the pain escape, to not stifle it or snuff it out prematurely. To breathe it out, as my breath makes a cry and my eyes only see the memories. Its like a dormant volcano needing to vent. It prevents an emotional explosion which is non recoverable. Trust me I've seen the aftermath of holding it in too long. The release heals me, in those tiny seconds of willed intensity.
I just had one of those releases.
Tapped in until I had to tap out as it got too much for me to handle all at once. Its weird though as I wish, in the aftermath seconds, that I could push replay and let more pain go. Like a speed-course to recovery. But I can't. I have to will myself to be patient for the next open heart experience to present itself. To wait for the cracks to open up and show themselves, wild and raw.
I have many fissures, cavernous voids even. Gaps of emotion, where I simply just cant connect until the specific instigator unlocks them like a key. Then, I feel so much all at once, it takes ages to recuperate my 'healthy demeanor'. The one I wear in public. At times I wish this venting, healing process would just be finished so I could keep my emotional composure.
Its OK. This life of PTSD is hard. At least I recognise the way I release pain, even if in rare micro minutes. I'm thankful the pain still has a way out other than in self destructive mannerisms.
Let me take a second, Dear Heart to address you, my faithful friend. I invite you to let the gut wrenching pit of pain out- in however it comes out best. You are my strength and my ally. I need you, to more than cope in this life. So when those fissures gape wide and tears flood wild, know it's OK. I welcome the unique way you both guide and protect me in the labyrinth of my memories. Let's do damage control together. Let's keep moving forward.
Life isn't done with us yet.
