So many times we find ourselves at the start of a new day, a new year, a new dream. Questioning what will unfold next. What will this next season bring? Sometimes there is even pressure from "the norm" to make certain choices or to follow a certain criteria. To make resolutions that are not fully rooted but rather just for the sake of making them... just like everyone else.
I am not doing that this year. This new dawn of a fresh start. Instead, I am focused on simply finding out what it is that is worth everything to live for. The answer is not a simple one, as it should be, but comes with some doubts and unmet expectations. Hmmm. Expectations. The things that hang us up and dangle us by a thread, taunting and teasing, begging us to relent and give into mediocrity.
Stuck in the between places without solid start or end, we often stand waiting for something that never happens. Find ourselves wondering what comes next rather than who am I becoming. Stumping our toes with projections into places that have not even begun yet. Futuristic focus without proper footing in the present.
Grasping hold of fragments of budding truths, I want to know who I am and who I will be without slipping too far forward or falling too far backward. One might call it foundation or identity. Nudging myself from the inside out, I seek self identification and awareness from internal clues that tell me I am not all that I should be yet- not who I was called to be yet. Sort of like wearing shoes that are two sizes too big but expecting myself not to stumble or falter when life speeds up.
I am learning the art of being gentle on myself without being too mushy or slack. Giving myself room for choices yet limiting certain hang-ups from appearing on my horizon and calling my bluff when I fail. Offering myself to be re-sized and measured by the correct form of measurement- I surrender my slip ups, my not enoughs, and my should-have-beens. Replacing them with encouragement and clarity from the One who, at the very least, knows my correct shoe size.
The concept of a new year can start anytime we chose it to. We are not limited to our calendars for the source of renewal or freedom. Stepping into each new day with determination to let the wants, whats, whys, whens, and hows fall under our feet. Making room for the best questions of all. Who am I? Who loves me? Who do I love? Who carries me and walks beside me? Who... whom? To what source do I put all my trust and hope in for the right direction? Who holds my heart's compass and guides me home?
Good questions... I am still learning there are no solid answers on this side of life, this side of heaven. The only foundation is found on the cross. Not on my goals, or dreams, or desires... My identity is not in the whats of life but in the Whos of the Spirit. The One who knows our end from our beginning. God whom knows my heart best, better than I know myself. The One whom challenges time as we know it and fills us with the strength to walk forward. Forward on the threads of hope, peace, love, and joy. Correcting my faulty thinking, the relying on self, God removes me from the hamster wheel of life. Grounding us in heavenly realms. Guiding us through the nows and thens into something greater than our resolutions will ever accomplish. I resolve to trust Him.
