Looking inside I see a woman who has seen and experienced so many things. Someone who has come so far. In reflection, I wonder how it is I came to stand where it is I stand right now. Is there a specific reason that this life has unravelled and yet found a way to piece itself back together again? What is the glue that holds me steadfast and calls me courageous?
The years that have chipped away and dug at me, while living through trauma, and yet remaining today wisely determined. Focused on allowing change to cultivate growth in me. There have been so many times that I have fallen and chosen to lay there without strength to stand again. Moments that have churned within me threatening to curdle my joy into something foul. Segments of time where hopelessness called my name louder than peace could. Yet, I have moved ahead. I have overcome.
Now I see a woman courageous, yearning and bidding wisdom be birthed within every new experience. I cry out sometimes when the unknown beckons me and I step backwards often before I can take two steps forward. I have realised however, that the painful times are what make me able to hold peace and have shown me how to trust in something bigger than myself. Without pain I would not comprehend grace. Without grace I would not embrace the power of forgiveness. Grace and forgiveness are my stepping stones to hope... to a life worth living. To a life worth loving.
Yes there have been times I think it would be better to bow out and stop fighting for hope. It is now that I profoundly see that it is hope who has fought for me. Hope has never given up on me. It has kept me dreaming and has graced me to keep loving through the pain and in spite of my human nature.
In this season, hurt has been prowling around. The emotional tugs that try to weight my heart to the floor like a lead balloon. I sense it lurking but, this I know, it has a weakness. I choose to love, I choose to laugh, I choose to keep walking even when sorrow attempts to shake me off of my foundation. My hope is secure even if my emotions waver. I ascribe greatness even if I do not feel great. Changing my thoughts and willing them to speak louder than the lies. Being accountable not to what my mind says about me but being true to who it is God has made me. I choose to accept these growing pains and embrace the depth which they are inviting me into.
Selfish longing, I let you go. Ashamed reasoning, I release you. Bargaining, I steer away from you. Heart strings, I seek to tune you. False witness, I ignore you. Hope deferred, I call you out. Wrong timing, I set you right. Growing pains I receive you, and continue walking in this journey to step forth gracefully, into this heart of light.
